Never Split the Difference

A few days ago, I went on a walk through my neighborhood and discovered that another house in the community has a "free library" box out front. Inside, I found a copy of Chris Voss' Never Split the Difference, a book on negotiating that I've been meaning to read for a couple of years. Voss was an FBI hostage negotiator for about 20 years and his book is full of riveting stories and simple techniques. 

The first technique Voss teaches is called "mirroring." It just means repeating the last one to three significant words someone has said. For example, if someone says, "Everyone's in town to see the big game today," you might reply with a question, "The big game?" and then let them elaborate. Mirroring tells people you're listening to them and it's a good way to build rapport.

The second technique I've learned so far is "labeling." This means paying close attention to the emotions you're picking up from someone and then stating them out loud in a non-judgmental way. For example, "it seems like you're a little worried about x" or "you sound pretty confident about y." Labeling diffuses negative emotions and reinforces positive ones. If you put out a label and then go silent for about 3-4 seconds, people will almost always reveal something about themselves you didn't already know. The information people reveal can be extremely useful.

What's most surprising about Voss' book is that although it's a book about high-stakes negotiating, at the end of the day it's really all about forging meaningful human connections quickly. It recognizes that people are far more driven by emotion than logic. If you get to the core of what's driving a person and identify with it, you can win their trust. Once they trust you, they're far more likely to "do business" with you. Whether you're negotiating with a hostage-taker, a business counterpart, or a 10-year-old who doesn't want to go to bed, you stand a better chance of getting what you want by genuinely listening and trying to put yourself in the other person's shoes.